< PreviousA T FIRST WE LOVED THE APP. We felt so powerful. “THIS IS THE FUTURE,” we squealed all winter, whacking the thermostat up from the comfort of the pub. But now, months later, the app has the power and I have to sleep with one leg out of the duvet. “This is the future,” we whimper, chugging water as soon as the alarm goes off . “This is how we must live now.” At fi rst we loved the app. We felt so powerful. “THIS IS THE FUTURE,” we squealed all winter, whacking the thermostat up from the comfort of the pub. But now, months later, the app has the power and I have to sleep with one leg out of the duvet. “This is the future,” we whimper, chugging water as soon as the alarm goes off . “This is how we must live now.” You live like this as well, right? You have a fi tness tracker under the bed, banished, because you can’t get it to sync with your other devices. A smoke alarm that lives in the freezer because it won’t stop bleeping. You’ve had meetings on the fl oor of a work corridor because nobody can unlock the fl ashy “agile” meeting room. You’ve held up a queue at a ticket barrier because you’re determined to pay with your Apple Watch. Right? Right. “Why don’t you just call the helpline?” an alien or an idiot might ask. But the helpline is automated too, and our account number is in an old inbox we’re now locked out of. I don’t want to sound melodramatic, but is… is this how the apocalypse starts? It feels as though we’re cruising down a slippery slope, from tech savvy to tech reliant to something wholly more ridiculous – tech submissive. Where once devices were our faithful servants, now we fail them with our stupid humanity. The student has become the master. Us digital natives have become foreigners in our own land, pawing at our screens with the dexterity of a drunk Homer Simpson. I used to laugh at my parents for not knowing how to use the VHS; now on every trip home I spend hours punching in wrong passwords for Netfl ix, Prime and All 4, swearing at the tiny remote buttons while Mum looks bemused and asks why we can’t just watch Pointless. Back in the ’90s, voice- activated home tech was a futuristic sitcom punchline; fast forward two decades and we’re sitting politely in darkness while our friend tries to get their smart lighting to work. “ON! – never mind, I’ll just – ON!! – fetch a lamp and – I. SAID. ONNN! – maybe some candles, really sorry about thi… ON YOU FREAKING PIECE OF SH… ah, there we go! See, so convenient!” We go on holiday to “switch off ”, then spend the whole time plugged into Google Maps. Meanwhile back home, meal-planning has gone down the plughole because good food is just a fi ngerprint-payment away. Where once a takeaway was an indulgence that had to be justifi ed with excuses – a bad day, a grisly hangover – now the food apps can nourish us better than we can ourselves. We can Deliveroo a salad bowl, for God’s sake! I mean, we don’t. Obviously. But we could. Of course, anxiety around smart technology is nothing new. It’s been rumbling on since the industrial revolution, when everyone worried their lives would be run by a sentient combine harvester. But only recently has it started to feel as though our devices might be laughing at us. We’ve all heard legends of women who didn’t know they were pregnant until their browsers noticed they’d missed a period and started serving them baby ads, and we all have our own creepy tale of Instagram catering for our needs better than any friend or lover. My personal favourite is the story of the time I ate a free doughnut and had that exact doughnut advertised back to me on Facebook an hour later. I now tell this story at parties the way people used to tell ghost stories with a torch under their chin. “Then I checked the microphone setting on my phone… it had been off the whole time!” I whisper, and everyone screams. But the truth is, like a lot of millennials, I’ve been torn between feeling terrifi ed by the way the internet knows exactly what I’m doing, saying and thinking at “Is this how the apocalypse starts?” MUST. NOT. SHOW. WEAKNESS. 40 | APRIL 2019 Now live at cosmopolitanme.com YOU!YOU!YOU! | TECHOVERall times, and actually kind of loving the convenience. I love that I can type “fk jjllarvn” into Google and it knows I’m trying to remember Fjällräven Kånken backpacks. I don’t have to remember the website I saw that nice dress on yesterday because, look, there it is in all my feeds! So handy. Like having a butler for your brain! Last year Gmail even introduced a reminder feature, nudging us to reply to overdue emails the way your parents once nagged you to send thank-you letters. (“No!” is the correct response. “YOU’RE NOT MY REAL MUM”.) And Smart Reply suggests words we might want to use. “Sure, sounds great!” “Cool, thanks!” We all laughed at fi rst, but you know you’ve been tempted. The scariest thing, however, isn’t the fear that we will one day hit “Sure, sounds great!” in response to an email about someone’s recent bereavement. It’s the way digital laziness has begun to infect our minds offl ine, too. You know, when you get trapped in a conversation at a party, and part of your brain is itching to hit “favourite” and walk away. When you try to “zoom in” on a magazine page. And I swear it takes me longer and longer to fi nish a sentence these days because I’m waiting for predictive text to fi ll the gap. It’s not just ageing. It’s the robots. So what’s the solution? We could wean ourselves off digital convenience. I guess. We could take a long, 1 How do you wake up in the morning? A Gently and naturally, via the dawn sun streaming through my window. B Calmly and artificially, via my Lumie sunlight alarm clock. C Late and yelling, with my phone stuck to my cheek with drool from multiple snoozes. D Literally already scrolling. 2 Your music taste is… A An eclectic mix of rare vintage vinyl and underground ’90s dance remixes. B A playlist specially tailored to your tastes, mood, zodiac sign and blood type. C The Hamilton soundtrack. You ran out of phone storage and accidentally deleted everything else. D “Alexa, play music.” 3 Your favourite shop is… A This gorgeous little vintage place you stumbled across under a railway arch one Sunday afternoon and have never been able to find again. B Whichever online indie boutique has the best discount code this week. C The ASOS delivery guy knows more about your life than your parents do. D Instagram. 4 Your fitness tracker is… A The tingle in your muscles and the glow in your cheeks! B Never off your wrist, except when you’re changing the strap to match your outfit. C Buzzing every 12 minutes because it thinks you’re climbing Ben Nevis and you don’t want to disappoint it. D Somehow able to turn your microwave on. 5 How are you getting to the party? A Phoning the host and making them direct you the whole way, with helpful pointers such as “I’m near a tree”. B Citymapper cross- referenced with Google Maps to find the most efficient route. C By looking up your mates on Find My Friends and walking towards the flashing dots. D Uber, obviously. ARE YOU BECOMING A DIGITAL DUNCE? How to know if your devices are smarter than you are… MOSTLY AS – YOU’RE A TECHLESS WONDER! You are a rare, precious species. You read actual newspapers, buy physical music and insist on texts (which you don’t reply to). Your friends despair, but they keep you around as a souvenir of a gentler time. Like a lava lamp. MOSTLY BS – YOU’RE APPY AND YOU KNOW IT Congratulations! You’re still smarter than your devices. The only cookies you ever accept are chocolate chip, and you actually understand what the “cloud” is. Come Armageddon, we’ll need you to communicate with the robots for us please. MOSTLY CS – YOU’RE TECH-DEPENDENT You and your devices are intertwined, like a flower that has somehow grown through a tree. But hope isn’t lost! With a little work and a lot of reading instruction manuals, there is no reason you couldn’t regain control of your tech. Except for, y’know, laziness. MOSTLY DS – YOU’VE BEEN OUTSMARTED Bad news – your tech is cleverer than you are. Worse news – it knew that before you did. The only thing left for you to do now is learn the ways of the droids and hope they accept you as one of their own. Good luck! hard look at all the ways in which smart technology might be making our lives more complicated and less satisfying, and us slower and stupider in the process. We could throw all our devices on a bonfi re and go back to whittling wooden pipes for entertainment. Or – here’s a better plan – we could try to evolve faster, and become smarter than the robots again! “How?” you ask. I don’t know. But there must be an app for that. or, THAT IS NOT HOW YOU WIN AT CANDY CRUSH APRIL 2019 | 41 Now live at cosmopolitanme.com YOU!YOU!YOU! | TECHOVERFASHION DIRECTOR AMY BANNERMAN PHOTOGRAPHER ELLIOTT WILCOX The decade’s defining shapes are reworked for a new season in a palette of earthy tones and denim – and each one’s a minor masterpiece 42 | APRIL 2019 fashionBoilersuit, Dhs2,065, Citizens Of Humanity Boots, Dhs1,312, Miista APRIL 2019 | 43 FASHIONCardigan, Dhs675, Brora Top, Dhs437, Agolde Shorts (just seen), approx Dhs1,095, See by Chloé 44 | APRIL 2019 FASHIONJacket, approx Dhs4,331 Blouse, aprox Dhs2,141 Trousers, a approx Dhs3,017, all Nina Ricci Sandals, Dhs365, Birkenstock APRIL 2019 | 45 FASHIONJacket, Dhs5,277 Skirt, Dhs2,164 Boots, Dhs5,739, all Mulberry 46 | APRIL 2019 FASHIONDungarees, Dhs1,688, Paul & Joe Jumper, Dhs6,568, Tod’s Boots, as before APRIL 2019 | 47 FASHIONTop, Dhs1,459 Trousers, Dhs2,432, both Bally Hat, Dhs195, Kangol 48 | APRIL 2019 FASHIONDress, Dhs4,592, Toga APRIL 2019 | 49 FASHIONNext >